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FARTS FARTS AND MORE FARTS!
SBV FART (SILENT BUT VIOLENT): THE DEADLIEST OF ALL FARTS MAKES SUCH A FOUL SMELL YOU END UP PUKING!
SKID MARK FART: A SQUEAKY FART THAT LEAVES A DARK BROWN SKID MARK WHICH WOULD TAKE ALOT OF CLEANING!
CROAKER FART: SOUNDS LIKE A CONSTAPATED FROG!
WET FART: LEAVES A WET PATCH IN YOUR UNDIES!
WIND FART: A SILENT FART THAT MAKES A SMALL BREEZE IN YOUYR UNDIES!
BURNING FART: YOU FART WITH SUCH FORCE IT BURNS AND MAKES YOUR BUM HURT!
FOLLOWER FART: A FART THAT FOLLOWS YOU AROUND IT LASTS 10 MINS AND 8 SECS!
PHANTOM FART: ITS WHEN YOU START TO SMELL WITHOUT FARTING, ALTHOUGH THIS RARELY HAPPENS!
WEE FART: YOU FART WITH SUCH FORCE YOU WET YOURSELF!
TYPES OF POO
A-Bomb crap
This one shoots straight down at close to the speed of sound, resulting in a mushroom cloud of water that soaks your cheeks, the backs of your thighs, and (if you're unlucky) your trousers.
Above-the-rim crap (or the Other rim job for you naughty 'uns)
This exotic turd should be in Ripley's Believe it or Not! Everything feels normal while you're doing the dirty deed, yet when you stand up, you notice that your turpid torpedo has left a skid mark all the way up the side of the bowl and on the rim, as well, despite the clearly clean separation of the putrid projectile from your back passage. Because your crap has left its mark above the rim, no amount of flushing will help you - this one requires a good deal of effort with the toilet brush to erase the evidence.
Alcatraz crap
These huge multiple pieces of crap tear your rectum, causing you to bleed and making you feel like you were repeatedly gang-raped by sex starved prisoners.
A New Land Is Born crap
You crap so much that when you look into the bowl, you can't see any water at all. Columbus couldn't have been prouder.
Air crap
The kind were you fell so bloated that you figure you've really got to dump a big load. But when you get on the pot all you do is fart up a storm - this happens most often after you come home from a long road trip, and everyone's waiting for you to get out.
Almost-there-but-reluctant-to-drop crap
This is the kind of crap that is just about to be released, when all of a sudden it stays there between the water and your ass as if it were in limbo.
Anonymous crap
You get this one in big Dilbert-type office buildings: Noxious fumes flood the entire site, but nobody knows who did it.
Archer, The***
Behaves perfectly until it hits the toilet, at which point it shoots a single drop of cold water right up your still-open bunghole. A chilling experience.
Banana split crap***
One of the rarest craps around. A combination of precise conditions must coincide to execute the banana split crap. Firstly, the turd must be of a soft but NOT sloppy consistency. Secondly, you must have been sitting down for a prolonged period in humid conditions (warm office, summer driving, etc) such that a butt hair has become cemented across your back passage. When you eventually go for a crap, a remarkable "cheesewire" effect ensues and you end up with a longitudinally bisected pair of half-turds in the toilet.
Banana no-split crap***
Similar to the above, but the turd is too firm for the cheesewire effect to take place. Instead, one sits on the toilet screaming "ooch ouch ooch" until the pube either becomes unstuck or is pulled out at the root.
Beer-drunk-and-meat-pie crap
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your crap doesn't smell too bad but this one is really bad.... Usually this one happens at someone else's house with someone waiting outside, waiting to use the bathroom.
Box 'o chocolates crap
You never know what yer gonna git...
Bullet-in-a-gun crap
Most frequent in really warm weather... As soon as you sit on the can, it shoots out faster than a speeding bullet.
Bung burner
That painful, acidic crap that makes you feel like you wiped your bunghole with sandpaper.
Cannon crap
This crap is halfway out then is shot out of your butt like a cannonball by a loud fart. This usually happens when someone is waiting outside the door.
Cement block crap
The pain of childbirth has nothing on this one: You feel like your sphinchter is being stretched to previously unknown proportions, as if the crap were trying to exit your rectum sideways. You wish you had gotten a spinal block before you crapped.
Chinese crap
You crap once and then, an hour later, you have to crap again.
Cold-ass crap
When you hear the call of nature in the middle of the night, and don't want to turn any lights on, but some *#§&! left the seat up (see the Feminist crap below) - your bowels react to the shock by violently expelling their contents before you have a chance to jump up.
Cop-stopper crap (also known as the Commuter)
You're crusing along, minding your own business, when you hear Nature's call. Rather loudly, in fact. In your efforts to avoid soiling your shorts, you drive a bit faster than you should, and get pulled over. Cops are wont to let you go in such situations (not least because the passenger compartment is quite woofy by now).
Cork crap (also known as the Floater)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in the bowl... My God! How do I get rid of it?
Corn crap
No explanation needed for this one - just visualize it...
Coocoo crap (also known as the Swiss)
When you have to go really bad for a long time, but it won't come out right away, so you push real hard until it's about halfway out, then you stop pushing and it gets sucked back in.
Courtesy flush crap
When you're in a public lavatory and the stench being emitted from your anus is worse than open sewer plus fish stand, and you are simply overcome by your philanthropic urges (or embarassed as hell).
Crap of steel (also known as the Godzilla)
This one is so big and hard you need the jaws of life to get it out.
Curly-whirly crap ***
A number of factors, including the turd consistency and general condition of your rosette, may contribute to this phenomenon. One way or another, the turd contrives to curl upon exit. The first thing you know about it is when something taps you gently on one buttock.
Deja vu crap
You just swear you've seen this one somewhere before...
Dodgeball crap or Cluster bomb crap
This kind of crap comes out in about 100 pellets. The first 50 pellets soak your cheeks massively. Having learned from this, you try to dodge the last 50 pellets by pushing each one out about half way, then pushing real hard and jumping up real quick.
Energizer crap (also known as the Mud-Bunny)
It keeps going... and going... and going...
F-19 crap
Jalepeno peppers cause this one. A not so subtle reminder the day after you eat too much Mexican food. Your ass flares - flames come out - in no time at all, you're going through the ceiling at mach-1.
False alarm crap
When out of the blue, you have to crap so bad you think you'll blow a hole in your pants, but as soon as you drop your drawers, the sensation goes away. Likes to repeat itself as soon as you've left the bathroom and gone back outside.
Family tree crap
You could swear it looks just like dear old Aunt Enda. And wouldn't you know it - it clogs up her john, too.
Feminist crap
Yells at you for leaving the seat up.
Fireball crap
Shoots out so fast, you think you set fire to your intestines through sheer friction...
Flu crap
You're so feverish, you can hardly get up in response to your rumbling stomach... as you rush to the bowl, you feel both the first signs of upchuck up above and the bubbly mass down below that says this one's pure liquid, baby. Better hope that you're real limber (or are lucky enough to have the sink basin right next to the toilet - and a very understanding cleaning woman).
Fly, The
This one sticks to the side of the bowl above the water line (how the hell did it get there?!?). Repeated flushing can't defeat it, so you're forced to reach for the coat hanger to knock it down.
Gas Chamber, The*
Found in seldom used and never cleaned outhouses at fishing camps in the deep south. This fetid pile of refuse creates such an overwhelming stench that when you open the door your eyes immediately begin to water, and you begin to choke as your lungs instinctively rebel against the poisonous gas.
Ghost crap
You know you've crapped. There's crap on the toilet paper but none in the toilet.
Gooey crap
This has the consistancy of hot tar. You wipe 12 times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This crap leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet and normally occurs when the phone is ringing.
Grandpa-Killer crap
Every wonder why the elderly have to take all those stool softeners? This one can give them massive strokes because of its gigantic proportions.
Handi-Capable crap, The +*
(also known as the "Special" crap) This is an event in which you feel the onset of a crap so powerful that you have to use the handicapped stall due to the special requirement for handrails. This ensures that you can somewhat mitigate the torso spasms that result from the undue strain as you grind out this huge & painful turd.
Hellraiser crap
Hurts so much you'd swear you were giving anal birth to Pinhead.
Hitchhiker crap
This one makes you feel like you have to crap before you need to go somewhere, but you can't really, but as soon as you're halfway to your destination, it demands to be dropped immediately.
Hit a dime at ten feet through a screen door crap
This is an actual description from a confederate soldier in the Civil War, in a letter home to his mother, when describing the effects of having to eat vegetables that weren't yet ripe (primarily green corn).
Holy crap!
Makes you pray to God for death or deliverance.
Inside-out crap
You're taking care of business in a big way, doing numbers one and two at the same time. All of a sudden, a powerful sneeze overtakes you. You spend 5 minutes wiping your nose and getting your colon and urethra back into place.
Jack-in-the-box crap*
You flush it. It disappears. Suddenly it pops back out again.
King Kong or Commode blocker crap
This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of crap usually happens in someone else's house.
Lacerate your anus crap
Feels like you're giving anal birth to a wad of steel wool with thumbtacks thrown in for good measure. If you insist on wolfing down your food like that, at least chew your Doritos more thoroughly!**
Lincoln log crap
So big and round and hard, you could build a house with it!
Little Dutch boy crap (also known as Sentinel or Guardian of the gate)***
This tiny, round, hard nugget of a turd seems so insignificant that you wonder why you even bothered going to the toilet. It is only when you finally squeeze him out that you realise he was holding back two liters of scorching, smelly, brown, frothy liquid.
Lyin' piece o' crap
This little guy deceives you into thinking he's only a harmless little fart, but when you let him loose he reveals his true identity, and you have to walk around bowlegged with your underwear sticking to your butt until you can find a bathroom.
Magnet crap
Sticks to the bowl below water level and can't be flushed unless it is removed from bowl wall with a coat hanger.
Mathematical crap
So hard you have to work it out with a pencil! (Think about it...)
Mister Happy***
This crap is quite content to stay where it is, requiring no effort on your part and giving you a big smile all day. If you see a colleague smiling for no readily apparent reason, you can bet that he or she is sitting on a Mr. Happy and looking forward to 5.00pm.
Moose turd crap
This kind of crap comes out in about 20 small little pellets that splash the water and soak your ass. Submitted by an astute surfer in Alaska, of course!
Mystery crap (also known as the X-Files crap)
I don't remember eating that!
"Oops, I swallowed my gum" crap
Damn, it wasn't that color when I was chewing it...
Pike's Peak crap
This crap reaches such majestic proportions, it almost touches your ass.
Pissing-rusty-water-out-of-your-ass crap
And I'll bet you didn't think porcelain could rust...
Pop-a-vein-in-your-head crap
This one is the kind that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.
Reincornation crap
No matter how thoroughly you chew your corn when you eat it, this crap still contains whole pieces of corn. One for the X Files...
Pop'n'fresh crap
The kind of crap that looks so much like the Pillsbury Doughboy that you just have to poke it to see if it goes: "WOO HOO!!!"
R.O.V. crap***
This turd begins its journey around the U-bend before it has even finished leaving your bum. A favorite with explorers.
Right now crap
You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet, usually it has its head out before you get your pants off.
Roadside crap
When you're tooling down the highway in the middle of nowhere (you passed the last rest area 100 miles back) and you get a bad case of the juicy farts...
Salvador Dali crap
Comes out in strange, surrealistic colors. A strong indication that you took at least one too many 'shrooms last night.
Scary crap
Ever heard of the the phrase "Scared the crap out of me..."? 'nuff said.
Second thought crap
You're all done wiping and you are about to stand up when you realize you've got more.
Share with others crap
This one's just too good to ban to the sewers right away. You really should spray paint it and put it on a pedestal in your living room, but instead you decide to just leave it in the toilet for your roommate/housemate/spouse to find a few hours later.
Shit that Dreams Are Made of, The+*
After feeling the pressing need to take a huge dump, one is very occasionally rewarded by the shit that dreams are made of. This pleasant turd is rock solid in consistency, just thick enough as to be meaty without causing anal discomfort, and falls out in one swift & comfortable movement, yet slipping silently into the water like an olympic diver who produces no splash. This defecation barely causes the lucky dumper to break a sweat, much less groan in agony. In fact, this stunning bowel movement has often elicited happy, yummy noises of disbelief and marvel at what a perfect turd one has had the pleasure of producing. If you are wondering if you've been lucky enough to experience this dreamy shit, you'll know for sure if it takes less than two squares of toilet paper to wipe up afterwards, as this glorious mud-bunny produces virtually no skid. To hell with that new BMW M1 - this is truly the shit that dreams are made of!
Snake crap
This crap is fairly soft and about as thick as your thumb and at least 3 feet long.
Spikey crap (also known as the Tree-hugger)
When this one comes out, it scrapes your bunghole like a wire brush. A sure sign that it's time to cut back on that high-fiber diet...
Splatter crap
This crap usually occurs after eating something that doesn't agree with your stomach. The morning after, you feel a tremendous pressure build up and have to get to the toilet REAL quick where everything is over within 2 seconds and you have decorated the toilet along with the cheeks of your backside.
Stall, The***
Robust and sizeable, this turd starts out well but then gives up halfway. You are left not knowing whether to pull it out or shove it back.
Stonehenge crap
You sometimes see this one after you've been "congested" for a couple of days and finally get the lead out: you drop so many medium-sized turds that you can build a stone circle. Will become an object of wonder for sewer workers about 5,000 years from now.
Teflon-coated crap
Comes out so slick clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No traces of crap are on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.
Titanic crap
This one is so big you must christen it before saying, "Bon Voyage", then it breaks in two before sinking.
Trumpet Quartet with Percussion Crap
This one is accompanied by such loud farting, you feel like the whole building is shaking. Don't be surprised at the round of applause that greets you when you emerge from the commode unscathed!
Tubthumper, The*
This type of crap hits you so fast that you dash full speed into the bathroom pulling your pants off as you run; you hit the toilet seat at Mach 3 causing it to break completely off thereby hurling you into the bathtub at which point the pain of impact causes your bowels to empty.
Turdsicle, The (This one is really gross)
When you've taken your favorite bed bunny up the Hershey highway and pull your tool out, only to discover it's been chocolate-coated. Next time, don't forget the enema beforehand.
Two-Tipper, The
This one's kind of curled like a banana, with both ends above water. If you see this one, you might want to cut back on the iron supplements.
Weight Watchers crap
You crap so much that you lose several kilos and feel a bit light-headed afterwards.
Wet cheeks crap
This crap hits the water sidewards and makes a big splash that gets your cheeks all wet.
Whipped cream crap
A true masterpiece - as the name implies, were it not brown, you could use it to decorate a cake.
Wish crap
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times - but no crap.
X-Files crap
A gigantic crap found floating in the bowl after someone under the age of 8 leaves the bathroom. Mulder will definitely enjoy solving this one.
PHANTOM POO: A POO THAT YOU FEEL COME OUT BUT WHEN YOU LOOK DOWN THERES NOTHING THERE!
SWEETCORN DELUXE: YOU'VE BEEN EATING PLENTY OF SWEETCORN, WHEN YOU GO FOR A TURD IT FEELS ALL LUMPY COMING OUT AND WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT, IT LOOKS LIKE A BROWN CORN ON THE COB!
PEANUT TURD: YOU'VE BEEN EATING LOTS OF PEANUTS, AND YOU CAN FEEL THEM WHEN YOU WIPE UP!
THE UNCONSIOUS TURD: AFTER A NIGHT DOWN THE PUB YOU'RE DRUNK AND FALL UNCONSIOUS, AND YOU WAKE UP TO FIND A TURD IN YOUR UNDIES!
FLOATER: THE MOST POPULAR OF ALL, FLUSH AFTER FLUSH THE BUGGER JUST DON'T WANNA DIE SO THE ONLY WAY TO GET RID OF IT IS TO TOSS IT OUT THE WINDOW (WHEN KNOWONES LOOKING)!
THE TWO PART TURD: YOU POO SO MUCH YOU'VE GOTTA FLUSH AND THEN CARRY ON POOING!
PEBBLE POO: YOU STRAIN FOR HOURS AND HOURS BUT ALL THAT COMES OUT IS A PEBBLE SIZED PLOP!
THE PEEK-A-BOO TURD: YOU GET THIS TURD HALF WAY OUT, THEN IT SHOOTS STRAIGHT BACK IN!
THE LIQUID TURD: WELL, THIS IS NOT A TURD ITS A SORT OF OILY BROWN SUBSTANCE THAT SQUIRTS OVER YOUR BUM! CHEEKS
THE DODGER TURD: KNOWMATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU WIPE YOU JUST CAN'T SEEM TO GET IT!
THE TRICK TURD: YOU RUSH TO THE TOILET FOR A POO, BUT WHEN YOU GET THERE YOU FIND OUT IT WAS JUST A BIG FART!
THE FOAMY BEER TURD: IT COMES WITH A HANGOVER, AND ITS FOAMY!
THE SPORT HATING TURD: YOU GET ALL EXCITED ABOUT A FOOTBALL MATCH AND WHEN THEY KICK OFF YOU NEED A POO!
Types of Farters
DISHONEST FARTERS
They who fart and then blame the dog.
FOOLISH FARTERS
They who keep their farts inside.
PROMPT FARTERS
They who always have a fart ready.
MISERABLE FARTERS
They who cannot fart.
STRATEGIC FARTERS
They who fart and cough at the same time.
CLEVER FARTERS
They who fart and cough at the same time.
DISAPPOINTED FARTERS
Those whose farts do not emit odor.
ACUTE FARTERS
Those whose fart smells indicate their recent diet.
MEAN FARTERS
Those who fart in bed and shake covers over spouse - this is not recommended).
VAIN FARTERS
They who love the smell of their own farts.
AMIABLE FARTERS
They who love the smell of others farts.
CONFIDENT FARTERS
They who let out really loud farts.
SHY FARTERS
Those who let out silent farts.
SCIENTIFIC FARTERS
Those who bottle their own farts.
UNFORTUNATE FARTERS
Those who start to fart but poop instead.
NERVOUS FARTERS
Those who stop in mid fart.
HONEST FARTERS
They who confess to the fart.
JEALOUS FARTERS
They who claim the farts of others.
INSECURE FARTERS
They who compare their fart quality to others.
THE FARTERS FARTER
Those rare farters whose farts clear moving vehicles.
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